I didn't sleep last night. I got up at 3 a.m. and fired up the computer and pissed around. Even once I returned to bed, I didn't sleep.
Today, I feel like a wet featherduster.
I don't normally pray, but I spent a lot of the night praying, words delivered into a dark eyes-squeezed-shut night, awake and desperate, feeling emotional freefall.
I realize I use the word "feeling" a lot. I feel like this and I feel like that. I guess it goes along with that psychological doohickey profile dealiebobber that showed me as the type that feels deeply, alla time. It sucks, really, to feel - to endlessly feel, like some reactive sea anemone being poked at the centre. Especially when a lot of what there is to feel is pain, guilt, shame and anxiety. Who wants to feel that? Fuck it, man. Can I declare a moratorium on feeling? Can I escape the machinations of my own rattled head for a day or three?
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