Have you ever wondered what hurt more? Saying something and wishing you hadn't..or saying nothing and wishing you had?

sorry for not trying hard enough!
sorry for not being myself.
sorry for not able to self-control myself.
sorry for pushing you to the edge.
sorry for not giving your space to think.
sorry for ever telling you my feelings.
sorry for making you confused.
sorry for how things have changed the way they are now.
sorry for not being able to go back and fix everything up.
sorry for not letting you have your 'moment' to think about it.
sorry for stirring you up.
sorry for not stopping you assuming things.
sorry for all the days tht i was down and not being able to put on my fake smile and pretend everything are freaking fine!
sorry for not wanting to talk.
sorry for pretending i was fine when deep down i'm not.
sorry for lying to you right in your face.
sorry for sugar coating things.
sorry for hurting your feelings when i don't mean to.
sorry for being moody.
sorry for talking too much.
sorry for commenting too much.
sorry for building walls between you and me.
sorry for dragging you down when i am upset.
sorry for not being able to keep all my sadness behind my smile.
sorry for being sorry.

Do you know how much it KILLS me when something is troubling you and you are not willing to tell me? i know i should give you space to think about it.. but it kills me when i can't see your smile! Maybe it's best for me to just cover the facts and pretend that everything's okay. I'll respect your space and privacy and i won't be pushie anymore. i'll just silently hope tht you'll tell me wht is troubling your mind. good-bye to my sanity and hello to my insanity!

I wish things were back to the way they used to be..

I will hope and pray that when I awake someday

The pain and sorrow of the many and the few

Will be something I can say I never knew.

Forbidden feelings. It’s completely normal to feel this way actually. I am not suggesting that everyone should hope that something bad would happen to others, it’s just, it’s a way some people ( I think is everyone, even though most people deny it) to feel good about themselves. And trust me, you wouldn't even know, they are feeling that inside because they don’t act upon them. Example, how many times you have said “serves her right” or “I know this would happen” to celebrities whose marriage goes down to pit fall and sometimes last only for 24 hours? Just because they are not close to you don’t justify your act, but you don’t feel ashamed of yourself, do you? Life isn’t always fair to everyone, and sometimes in order to completely feel the success, you have to go through paths which are not so comforting.

I'm sitting on the floor trying to tell them the truth when i start crying. I remember crying a year ago in front of them and how i hid my face. I can't imagine i'm doing this. I want so badly to push mom away. I want to scream at her for being right. I want to say fuck you and it kills me even more because she understands me this time and she believes me. I've never sobbed. I'm sobbing. My throat closes and i can't breathe and i cry so hard until i surrender and tell them okay, okay..and my voice is shaking and i hardly know it's mine. I cant look up and i close the door and tell them i just want to be alone and for the first time in my life mom understands.. and i'm in the dark crying against the computer when my little brother wraps his arms around me.. and it's killiing me and it feels so good and i want to pull myself away but i let him hug me. I scroll through songs as he hugs me and hugs me and this hurts, this hurts so much and i feel like i'm loosing dignity for the first time, the first time i ever let him see me cry like this. I sob until i am shaking and he holds me like only a little brother can do and i let him, and i let him see these tears and i think, this is the first time i've ever let them take care of me and i feel so little and protected and it feels so good to let my gaurds down for the first time in my life..
and i wonder if this is what it feels like to let them love, finally let them love me for the first time in my life.

It feels like rain drops..this fluttering. I even have to press my hand to my heart, like i'm playing the cliche script to it's fullest. But i have to make sure..decipher this perfect escape that's holding me so gently, catching for my breath that's tripping against my rib cage. Free, uncage me, i think..
and, and what is this, i murmer..what is it...my whole mind feeling placed on a gentle hold; and inside i tremble so slightly, a tremble that flutters against the concave of my stomach..makes it's way down my body

I am your daughter, right? So i can't hate you. Maybe i can just hate being around you..
I settle on that as my answer.
To no one in particular.
I wonder how many Alone People think these thoughts..

She yells at me for drinking coffee at 8:30 pm.
The sun's setting, i'm wishing it was easier to tip toe backwards and shuffle the day into a neat little box, plastic folds, a return address to somewhere far away.

Wishing thought after thought, like a paint-by-number with my life in tact..a confused question on my face fading into a dull clasp of hands to excuse myself from sanity..
Place my palm on your mouth and
-please,
quiety i would say,
-please shut up.

Bored

x. What's your name?: Trina
x.Birthplace : Calcutta
x.Current location : In front of my computer
x.Age ::: ...21
x.Age you act : older or younger. sometimes 25, sometimes 12, sometimes 5
x.Eye color : black
x.Hair color : Brown.
x.Right, lefty or ambidextrous? : Right
x.Zodiac sign? : Virgo
x.Height? ::: 5'2 i think, im short

[x] Part 2 -- Describe... [x]
x.Your heritage/nationality : Indian
x.Your hair : Short,straight
x.Your fears: spiders, having no one i can really trust or turn to, having the one person i love push me away
x.What you practically do in a day : wake up, eat, chill out, check email, watch movies, browse internet,hang out with my best friend.

[x] Part 3 -- What is/are... [x]
x.Words you overuse : Whatever,fuck it.
x.Your first thought when you wake up : I wonder if the person i like is awake.
x.accomplishment : finding friends that love me and having some one that loves me
x.Something you want to do with your life: Travel to New Zealand and Uk and have my dream job.

[x] Part 4 -- This or that [x]
x.Pepsi or Coke : None
x.Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera : Christina
x.Chocolate or vanilla : chocolate
x.Adidas or Nike : Nike
x.Black or white : Black
x.Burgers or hot dogs : Burgers
Egypt or France : France
x.Rock or rap : Depends.

[x] Part 5 -- Do you...[x]
x.Smoke : Yeah
x.Cuss : Yea
x.Sing well : No
.Sing in the shower : yea, so does everybody
x.Talk to yourself : Everyone does a little
x.Believe in yourself : Yep
x.Like taking these longass surveys? : yea
x.Play an instrument : No
x.Want to go to college? : Too late
x.Want to get married? : yea
x.Want to have children? : yea
x.Think you're a health freak? : yea, sometimes
x.Get along with your parents : no
x.Get along with your siblings? : Have none
x.Think you're popular : with the people that care about me

[x] Part 6 -- In the past month have you..[x]
x.Gone out of the city: yea
x.Drank alchohol : hehe
x.Smoke : duh..uh
x.Get high : kinda
x.Done any drugs : Weed and hash
x.Been on stage : yeah,school
x.Been dumped :: Yep
x.Dyed your hair : yeah
x.Stolen anything : Not that i know of

[x] Part 7 -- Your friends! =D [x]
x.Craziest : Kulsum
x.Loudest : Mansi
x.Most shy : Me
x.Smartest : Kulsum and Sajani
x.Kindest : Ria
x.Best personality : Ponch
x.Most talented : Kulsum and Ponch certainly
x.Best singer : Ponch and Anasuya
x.Drama Queen : Ming
x.Pain in the ass : Ming
x.The one you want to strangle to death literally:Ming,as of now,i am way too pissed off with him.
x.Funniest : Ming,i thought,but it was all fake
x.Dependable : Noone,myself,am the best
x.Trustworthy : Ponch and anasuya
x.Person you've known the longest : From the present gang Kulsum 8 years.
x.Most Athletic.x: Aansuya,i think

[x] Part 8 -- The Last... [x]
x.Last dream : i dont want to talk about it
x.Car ride : today
x.Last time you cried : i am way too pissed now..i want revenge
x.Last movie seen : Mr. and Mrs. Smith
x.Last movie rented : ummmm.... none
x.Last book read : Edgar Allan Poe's collection of poems and short stories.
x.last word said : You back in towm?
x.Last curse word said : Asslicker,pansy
x.Last time you laughed : a few hours back
x.Last phone call : two hours back
x.Last song you listened to : Kaal dhamaal
x.annoyance : noise(continuouse, loud, ringone)someone calling..ugh..
x.Last IM : hmmm... Nandini
x.Last person you hugged : Mandy
x.Last person you yelled at : Ming
x.Last time you've been evil : Now
x.Sarcastic? : Now
x.Last time you fought with your parents : Last week
x.Last time you wished upon a star: Last year
x.played Truth or Dare : Beginning of this year
x.Spent quality time alone : now

[x] Part 9 -- Randomness [x]
x.Are you talking to someone on Msn : Nandini
x.Do you feel lonely : kinda sorta..
x.How about egging someone's house : hmm,nihce
x.Ain't Eminem and 50 Cent just fine? : Yeah
x.Ever been so hungry you felt like you could eat the person next to you?: Yeah
x.Any secret fetishes? : Hair and lips..and thin guys with specs
x.How many languages do you speak? : 3

[x] Part 10 --LAST PERSON WHO [x]
x. Slept in your bed: Other than me,my best friend.
x. Saw you cry: Ponch again
x. You shared a bed with: Ponch
x. Made you cry: Ponch
x. You held hands with: Mandy and ponch
x. Spent the night with: Myself
x. You shared a drink with: Sujana,Aps,Ritesh,Vicky,Mandy and Joy
x. Kissed you: Rachel
x. Yelled at you: a person i love very much
x. Sent you an email: Sajani
x. You kissed: ..and i aint mentioning that here

k
[x] Part 11 -- HAVE YOU EVER... [x]
x. Said "I Love You" and meant it? ohhh yes
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: yeah
x. Been to New York: no
x. Florida: no
x. California: no
x. Hawaii: no
x. Mexico: no
x. China: no
x. Canada: no
x. Danced naked: hehe.. a LONG time ago,yeah alone.
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: happens all the time
x. Wished you were the opposite sex: HELL YEAH!!
x. Had an imaginary friend: used to,as a kid.
x. Things you like in a girl/guy: honest and open, sweet, funny, being true to one's self,can hold a conversation.
x. Do you have a crush on someone: im in love with someone
x. Worst feeling in the world: when someone you love pushes you away, being alone, regret
x. Future daughter's name: Never thought about it
x. Future son's name: Moksh
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: No.
x. What's under your bed: alot of junk
x. Favorite sport to watch: Wresting with someone ;)x. Siblings: none
x. Piercings/tattoos: ears... soon to be my belly button.. and a tattoo on my left arm.


EXTRA STUFF
x. Do you drink: Yeah gin.
x. Who is your best friend: Ponch and Kk
x. What clothes do you sleep in: shorts and a tee
x. Where do you want to get married: Nz
x. Who do you really hate: Ming
x. Been in Love: i am now
x. Do you have a job: not yet
x. Do you like being around people: yes
x. Are you for world peace: sure

STUFF
x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: yes
x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: Thin guys,knows how to play guitar and has specs
x. Want someone you don't have right now: yes
x. Ever afraid you'll never get married: no, if i dont get married, i dont get married.
x. Do you want to get married: yes
x. Do you want kids: yes

FAVORITE
x. Type(s) of music: Alternative and some pop
x. Color: black
x. Perfume or cologne: Tommy Hilfiger
x. Month: May,March and September


IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
x. Cried: No,too pissed to cry
x. Bought something: yea,biscuits..have been hungry
x. Gotten sick: no
x. Sang: yes
x. Said "I Love You": Lemme think..err no..
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: yes,all the fucking time
x. Met someone new: yea
x. Talked to someone: yes
x. Missed someone: yes
x. Hugged someone: yea
x. Kissed someone: like i said,not answering that.

What kinda kisser are you?

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Freaky Kisser

When you kiss, you want to experience something new A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing... And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

The Past, Present, and Future Shadows

No real explanation, its just a thought on my past, present, and future. The first stanza, obviously, is about the past and an experience when I was sick with food poisoning to the point where I was very delirious and I saw these shadow moving across the walls, like some sort of ghosts to take me away. Everything else stems from that experience, which was one of the most frightening things I've ever been through

Every walk ended with a fall
As dark shadows danced along the wall
I layed in my bed, head in a twist
I clutched at the sheets with a fist
Sickness was in my blood
My vision clear as mud
I cried out at mere air
For I did not dare
Meet the shadows face to face
Again in my bed
The air surrounding is dead
The sheets twist around
No comfort I have found
Now I whimper, no cry
And still the shadows fly
Into my mind they scream
I wish it was all a dream
As the shadows plead their case
And in days far along
There will be an end to this song
When the shadows return
They will receive no spurn
My eyes will see with a glaze
And they will remove that haze
Finally everything will be clear
I will not fear
The shadows will tell me how I finished the race