I'm sitting on the floor trying to tell them the truth when i start crying. I remember crying a year ago in front of them and how i hid my face. I can't imagine i'm doing this. I want so badly to push mom away. I want to scream at her for being right. I want to say fuck you and it kills me even more because she understands me this time and she believes me. I've never sobbed. I'm sobbing. My throat closes and i can't breathe and i cry so hard until i surrender and tell them okay, okay..and my voice is shaking and i hardly know it's mine. I cant look up and i close the door and tell them i just want to be alone and for the first time in my life mom understands.. and i'm in the dark crying against the computer when my little brother wraps his arms around me.. and it's killiing me and it feels so good and i want to pull myself away but i let him hug me. I scroll through songs as he hugs me and hugs me and this hurts, this hurts so much and i feel like i'm loosing dignity for the first time, the first time i ever let him see me cry like this. I sob until i am shaking and he holds me like only a little brother can do and i let him, and i let him see these tears and i think, this is the first time i've ever let them take care of me and i feel so little and protected and it feels so good to let my gaurds down for the first time in my life..
and i wonder if this is what it feels like to let them love, finally let them love me for the first time in my life.

It feels like rain drops..this fluttering. I even have to press my hand to my heart, like i'm playing the cliche script to it's fullest. But i have to make sure..decipher this perfect escape that's holding me so gently, catching for my breath that's tripping against my rib cage. Free, uncage me, i think..
and, and what is this, i murmer..what is it...my whole mind feeling placed on a gentle hold; and inside i tremble so slightly, a tremble that flutters against the concave of my stomach..makes it's way down my body