How can I toe the line
without being afraid to lose my balance?
I have fallen before,
fast and long,
crashing headfirst.
Why can’t I remember,
all the times I stumbled,
then regained my footing?
I suppose if all of my near-misses
left behind scars,
as well,
I’d have a way to keep track.

Now you are gone

Now your gone
Theres no smiles on this face
Theres no more laughs
Just beautiful enchanted cuts
Coldness and numbness are all I feel
All hope has been slaughted
My faith has been broken
My happiness has been ripped away
The shackles of this flesh won't let Me go
I've been sealed in lies by all My "friends"
All My scars seem to live
The wounds still look new
The sweet breaths before death
Winter kiss licks My lips
All feeling is gone
The insanity and emptiness is devouring Me whole
I feel Myself fall in a Black Abyss
Of Isolation
I can see Myself in My coffin
My cell
My penitentiary
I can feel insects eating Me away
Infesting My coffin as I sleep

Biding time in the shadows
Creeping and sneaking
Poking around the relics
Of my past
Waiting for an opening
To appear in my veneer
Anxious and angry
Living and breathing
Surviving on snippets of me
What do you see in your mind
When you think of me?
How distorted is the view
When looking through the lens
Of obsession?
You don’t want me,
The one that sleeps and eats,
Dreams and grows.
You want the rag doll
You sewed together
With the tangled threads
Of fantasy and feelings.
I am a woman, not your hobby.

There is no problem so awful that you cant add some guilt to it and make it even worse.

I can't take this anymore
and i'm almost pretty sure
i've been here before
i can't take this any longer
i won't heal until i'm stronger
strong enough to not be afraid
of what anybody thinks
of what anybody says
about the way
about the way i am
so i'll wait until the day
when those feelings fade away
then i'll make my break

i can't take this anymore
and i'm almost pretty sure
i've been here before
i can't take this any longer
i won't heal until i'm stronger
strong enough to not be afraid
so i leave it up to you
yeah i leave it in your hands
respect your wishes and your demands
but if it was up to me
honey we'd already be back at home
and living out our dreams
living out

everbody and everything i've known
never taught me how to stand up on my own
had to learn it from the one who let me go
now i walk alone, yeah i walk alone, yeah
living blissfully

i guess you had to step away
to make me want to be
a bigger man, a bigger man than that
i need you by my side
as i take it all in stride
I put away, i put away my pride
oh i leave it up to you
yeah i leave it in your hands
respect your wishes and your demands
but if it was up to me
honey we'd already be back at home
and living out?­.

everbody and everything i've known
never taught me how to stand up on my own
had to learn it from the one who let me go
now i walk alone
yeah I walk alone, yeah
i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk, oh yeah

Smorg

I didn't sleep last night. I got up at 3 a.m. and fired up the computer and pissed around. Even once I returned to bed, I didn't sleep.

Today, I feel like a wet featherduster.

I don't normally pray, but I spent a lot of the night praying, words delivered into a dark eyes-squeezed-shut night, awake and desperate, feeling emotional freefall.

I realize I use the word "feeling" a lot. I feel like this and I feel like that. I guess it goes along with that psychological doohickey profile dealiebobber that showed me as the type that feels deeply, alla time. It sucks, really, to feel - to endlessly feel, like some reactive sea anemone being poked at the centre. Especially when a lot of what there is to feel is pain, guilt, shame and anxiety. Who wants to feel that? Fuck it, man. Can I declare a moratorium on feeling? Can I escape the machinations of my own rattled head for a day or three?

Sometimes it's just too hard to get up. She's going for the second try.

Until things move along on Monday I have little to say.
I mean, I have a crapton to say but ... yeah.
Later.

I have been feeling extra blah these last few weeks. Detached. Empty. Maybe its been the lack of sleep (which I tried to remedy with a nap today afternoon), my poor eating habits (only one meal yesterday), the pain in my arm (literally), or that I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks. I'm sure I'm over giving blood by now so I doubt that's the issue.

Blah isn't so bad, it just zaps my motivation to do anything - continuing the sense of Blah. I am going over to friends tonight to watch the last part of Lord of the rings, i AM going to the gym tomorrow morning, and lots is on. Hopefully one of these things will help shake the sensation (or rather lack of).

The years teach what the days never know

Beauty

What makes a person beautiful? I often wonder this ... but it's not always so easy to define. Is it how they dress and cut their hair; or is it something ethereal and unseen, like an inner self-confidence that exudes from them? Sadly, some people don't know they are beautiful ... even when it is obvious to everyone else. If only they could truly find beauty within themselves, they might also find ways of projecting their love to others in the process.

Beauty has been defined a number of ways. Maybe beauty is having a character flaw - a flaw that others see as a precious addition to your personality. Perhaps beauty is something attainable apart from perfection; making it thus, the most marvelous of imperfections. Or is beauty simply a smile - and by smiling, we all become more beautiful. To seek beauty without understanding its true character is often an unsuccessful endeavor.

Ironically, some of the most outwardly beautiful people I have met, have had no inner beauty whatsoever. When someone is beautiful on the inside, it overshadows the physical flaws. Beauty is mysterious - an ideal, seemingly unattainable. Many people strive for it, unaware perhaps, that beauty is relative; it exists only as others perceive it. It is truly in the eye of the beholder. Emit beauty from within and all the more will drawn unto you ... ageless and limitless.

Giving you the benefit
Of an array of doubt
Doubting somewhere in your secretive intent
That there will be that weak moment
That will give birth to an evil creation of weakness
Once pried long enough
Will fall to Temptation's horny attempt
To come over you

Don't cause a bump in my graph
You need for me to be calm and sedate
To even out the hyperactivity
That's lodged in your brain

Your worries combined with mine only causes
Doubts to flourish freely, and with that comes
A cynical outlook on what we may or may not have
With each other

Don't allow your friend to
Plant the bad seed that I'm too far
Don't allow your past lover
To tell you I'm too young
There are no lines of separation
When it comes to us
In the language of--Our Love

Have faith in us
Have faith in me
That I will be your loyal-lover
That I will never let you down

I know it's above you
To let me know about your true concerns
But taking on the role as the bigger-person
I hope you will see, that I have no intent
To wrong you
I would never hurt you;
I asked you if you felt better about things
But being Mr. Cool you said you were never concerned
I saw right through that, but bit my tongue
Allowing you to know that I knew
You were every bit as worried as I was
And that's okay, I can be that bigger person:

I'm telling you now that I love you
And that's a deep feeling that penetrates
And migrates me ever so closer to you

Accept and don't question it
Don't fall into the grasp of the self-fulfilling prophecy
Don't allow the prophecy to be fulfilled; prove it wrong
Don't make it all come true that all guys are the same
I'm not like your everyday Joe
Proving your doubt wrong
I'm different, as you can already see

Live up to my expectations that you are loyal
Let me have those expectations
We have to make a pact to trust each other
To never let each other down
There's happiness to be had, ahead

The prophesy is not fulfilling
It should be called the self-unfulfilling prophecy
It will never bring about positive things to fill a void
You can't fall pray to the evil beast
Don't work doubts into the dark looming cloud of prophecy
Keep focus on the sunlight
There's happiness to be had--
He's starring right at you;
Your eyes are beautiful.

Gun metal obsession,

Fueled by depression,

Lingering thoughts of suicide,

Penned by a bullet, filled with death pride



He never let his real feelings show

How were we to ever know?

Did I fail him somehow, while he was still alive?

Because I couldn’t read, him...



Did I let him die?

This is all unfamiliar territory.

Attended a brilliant reading of othello at Rachel's.What a trip it was. somehow, my name is now Mr. knish.

I can't say i'm in love. I don't know what love is. I don't know how people act when they're in love, i don't know how people feel when they're in love, i don't know how people look when they're in love. I know what i have right now feels almost like love, but i know it's not love. I know this because if i call it love, i'll lose it, and that is a proven fact. I don't know what to call this, so i won't.

This territory, it is not what i am accustomed to, not at all.

You live your life with me

Based on many a white lie

Then wonder why I can’t trust you

Turning my anger at you, inside



Telling me that I am being silly

Then blow up at me when I insist

I stay amazed at your apathy

At all this hatred, you claim does not exist



These clues you leave behind, living in denial

There seems some darkness, you can not resist

but when caught, instead of owning up

Seems a clear motive to intimidate me, with your fists



I feel like your pet project

That once, you had adored

Has now become your scapegoat

Feeding off my disgrace, evermore



Your constant anger towards me

Your ever need to find some mistake

Has left me buried inside my grief

Forever feeling displaced



I can’t really put a finger on it

But I feel attached to you, somehow

If only suicide would work for me

I would be free of all this pain, by now



And, so I spend my waking moments

Believing I am, but, a cosmic joke

But the joke will be on you, my friend

When the tables turn, and you end up, being the one choked



Smoked, snuffed out

By the very pain you cause

Your little white lies and quickness of anger

May save you now, but all will soon be lost



Once in Eternity’s realm

No longer behind the comfort of being blind

you will feel every ounce of pain and discomfort

You gave to those, while still alive



You will stumble and be all alone

And this time, you will be the one

Who will end up crawling inside himself

And then, just as quickly, you will remain



Dismissed, forgotten, and... left behind!

Her name is Mystery
and she comes from somewhere else
although she won't tell you
even if you ask politely
that wagging finer and saucy
secretive look
are well-matched to counter
and casual query.

Her name is Mystery
she has an enigmatic smile
like the kind painters strive to capture
and when the lucky few do, sometimes
their patrons and critics and afficionados
struggle to fathom.

Her name is Mystery
and she can't be understood
she must be grasped intuitively
wholeheartedly
before comprehension fades
and eddies
like myst that weaves through fingers
and tickles along the back of your mind.

Her name is Mystery
and she walks forth confidentally
although she's never quite exactly sure
just where she's going
knowing only that it's somewhere different
maybe better, than before.

Her Name is Mystery
and she lives her life as lovely as her name.